Warren's Hometown Blogaree and Topical Cream

Back to it

2009-11-04T19:36:00.002-06:00

I haven't blogged in forever. Don't be mad.

Snow Day!!!!

2009-01-27T11:33:00.003-06:00

Ah, snow storms in St. Louis. It's part winter wonderland, part Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Snow always turns marginally bad drivers into complete lunatics who either do 15mph or 70. And don't forget the slamming of the brakes and the inevitable slide through stop signs.

My favorite is the news coverage of the snow storm, especially by Fox 2. Every snow storm is a momentous occasion that occupies 90% of the program. Luckily, Inauguration Day didn't occur during an ice storm, or Obama's oath would have been interrupted to let you know that MODOT has run out of salt.

Anyways, I'm taking a snow day to avoid the mess and watch stupid movies. This is the life.

The Visitor

2008-06-25T14:08:00.001-05:00

This is the film Sam Martin and I made for the 48 hour film project. Enjoy!

CHICAGO!!!!!

2008-06-15T21:36:00.002-05:00

I am in Chicago for a week with work and then I am going to compete in the 48 hour film project with Sam Martin up here. Should be fun. I've only been here about three hours and I realize how much I miss this city. Here are some things I've noticed that are different about Chicago as compared to St. Louis:

1) I walked one mile through downtown after dinner and didn't get mugged. While this may be a crucial step in building the dark psyches of superheros, I can live without it.

2)Fat, unattractive girls know that they are fat and unattractive.

3)My pizza didnt have a waxy buildup on top that someone is trying to pass off as cheese.

But I have to give some positives to St. Louis:

4) I can't orient myself by the smell of the brewery in Chicago.

5) Traffic only lasts for an hour or the length of the newest Fergie CD(not that I would know how long a Fergie CD lasts.....Shut up)

6) In Chicago, I dont know when a movie is starting without someone whispering "Wehrenberg".

The 48 hour film project

2008-06-12T09:43:00.003-05:00

Last weekend, me and my friend Sam Martin competed in the 48 hour film project. For those of you who don't know or did know and then contracted amnesia(my condolences), you are given a genre, a prop and a line of dialogue and from that you have exactly 48 hours to make a movie in full. Sounds easy, right? Well screw you, it's hard.

We got thriller as our genre, which can be tricky to pull off, but we were not going to be intimidated. Sam was able to put together a great cast and they really shined?, shone?, whatever, they were shiny.

My favorite thing(and the most uncomfortable thing) was having Joneel Joplin screaming "Come to the Lord, sinner!" at the top of his lungs in front of my apartment. I think he converted three of my neighbors.

We screened on June 10 and we got a great response from the audience. Hopefully, we will be selected for the "Best Of" DVD, which would be a great treat.

How to Save Fuel

2008-06-04T14:21:00.003-05:00

With gas prices nearing $4 a gallon on the average, I started thinking about ways a person could save a few bucks for the summer by using less fuel. Here is what I have so far:
*Get on a roof and jump while flapping your arms really hard. Then enjoy the free ambulance ride. Jump out at the nearest Bed, Bath and Beyond and load up on bath soaps. At some point, you will want to get your bones fixed from the fall, though.

*Skateboard behind cars like Marty McFly. However, be careful. This is incredibly dangerous and I cannot recommend this to anyone unless you have seen the movie at least three times. Check out Back to the Future II and III just in case you only have access to a hover-board. Or if you like stupid movies.

*Stop driving to make out point and have sex in a park like everyone else.

*Quit job. Get welfare.

*Start reading the Never Ending Story and ride that giant flying dog-worm around. Look out for his patches of mange, though. After a couple of months, sell him to science.

*Only go to places downhill. When you get to Death Valley, retire.

All of these beat driving 55 on the Interstate, guaranteed.

Blog neglect

2008-05-23T18:38:00.002-05:00

I promise not to neglect you little bloggy if you would just take me back. I won't stop drinking and screaming at you, though.

On a serious note, I got the last piece of the animation puzzle in today. My microphone and pop-filter. I went with the Blue Snowflake, which is a popular choice amongst podcasters. Plugs right into my USB so I can lay down audio directly into Garage Band.

Ow, my cabeza.

2008-04-01T12:36:00.003-05:00

I have a bad hangover today. Yesterday was opening day for the Cardinals, so I celebrated by having a one man drinking contest. I placed first and second, respectively.

However, today I feel like crap. My head feels like I have a Swiss yodeler living inside and he is taking a poop.

No Sleep

2008-03-25T10:34:00.002-05:00

I need a jolt of caffeine. Not a little, a lot. The amount of caffeine that would result from giving Juan Valdez a Mountain Dew enema.

Luckily, my lack of sleep is from being up late due to inspiration. I had outlined and began putting down final dialogue for the pilot of my animated show, but something didn't feel right about it. It just didnt feel complete. So at about 9PM last night, I decided that I would begin to think about the possibility of mulling over a potential rewrite of the last two thirds of the script. I assumed that I could work on artwork and think about the script in the meantime.

However, once my head hit the pillow, my mind raced and I thought of several natural progressions in the script until one that actual works raced in. So at 11:30, I went into my spare bedroom, or the room made of dry erase boards, at began writing notes. Back into bed by 1 and could not sleep until about 2:30.

Ridiculous.

Good and Bad News

2008-03-24T09:48:00.003-05:00

Bad News first. My Vanderbilt Commodores were upset in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Which ordinarily is no big deal, but they were a good team that played horrible. So basketball lost its fun for me.

More bad news. Lost wont be back until April 24th. While I am glad that there will be non-stop new episodes to end the season, Lost is the only thing I watch on TV with regularity, so the wait is killing me.

Good news. Now that basketball and Lost are kaput, it freed up a lot of time for me to work on my show. This weekend I completed a big chunk of the script and I have started arranging for actors to read the script and invited a friend on board to help with the audio recording. So this thing should pick up speed now.

I really havent done this in a while.

2008-03-17T14:03:00.002-05:00

They say that blogs that are left unattended are 85% more likely to start smoking and become unwed mothers.

So I intend to add a few posts a week now so that my blog doesnt become another statistic and a part of the "system".

So what's going on with me that is so awesome that it must be blogged about?

1) I am currently very busy finishing a script for an animated pilot I am working on. I am considering doing a seperate blog for that, but I may just leave it here.

2) I am working out hardcore again. I havent done much recently except drink, so I have started running. Today I ran two miles. I am trying to build up my endurance so I can hit my goal of 217 miles. The reason for this is that I have a vacation in North Carolina coming up and I want to save on airline tickets.
--Sidenote: Someone just let me know that North Carolina is further than 217 miles away. Looks like I will be vacationing in Decatur, Illinois. And taking night classes in geography.

Let the bloggin' begin!!!!!!

10 Things to Hate About Mardi Gras

2008-02-04T10:57:00.000-06:00

10.
Drunk people who want to hug you.

The same guy knocked over three of my drinks at different times during the day because he felt the need to hug me. Something tells me he is repressing some hidden feelings. His poor wife probably already sees this bombshell coming.

9.
People throwing up in your tub.

I think that says it all.

8.
Irregular breasts that are shown whether beads are given or not.

I saw at least two pairs of boobs that couldnt have looked worse if Picasso had drawn them....drunk.

7.
Explaining to a coworker on Monday that you dont remember calling them "cocksucker" but you are sure that you are sorry.

6.
Losing that last belief that all human beings deep down are noble and decent people.

This happened when I saw a man shitting in a dumpster.

5.
Paying $7 for a Polish sausage that tasted like it had been delivered to the stand by rolling it down Russell Street through urine, vomit, and even worse, hurricane mix.

4.
Did I mention that I saw a guy shitting in a dumpster?

3.
Being called an asshole when you ask who someone is when you find them in a closed off room of your apartment.

The scary part is that he was alone, so I guess he was his own Mardi Gras hookup. That's gross enough, but I dont want to steam clean some guy's DNA out of my carpet(unless it is my own).

2.
Seeing a fat couple eat a brat ala Lady and the Tramp.

At first I thought it was romantic and then I realized they were fighting over it.

1.
I feel like I have to go to the bathroom whenever I take my trash to the dumpster now.

Thanks fella.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-23T12:29:00.000-06:00

I have been corrected three times in the last two days for telling people(cashiers, waiters, etc) to have a "Merry Christmas". Every time the person has looked at me and snidely said "Happy Holidays". How is that any better? If you dont celebrate Christmas, the day still exists and you have to occupy that time doing something, and I am just saying that I hope it is merry. Dick.

My car

2007-12-23T12:23:00.000-06:00

So my car is actually 100% fine. There is a small bar underneath it that is wiggling and making a lot of noise. No big deal, which is a relief. I looked at new cars, but I dont know what I want. I am leaning towards a new mustang or escape. It doesnt matter to me. The ladies go crazy no matter what I drive. And by ladies, I mean the ones with a pre-existing history of mental illness, and for some reason my automobile choice causes them to relapse.

That's my curse.

Yet another video...

2007-12-17T10:49:00.000-06:00

This one was featured on Funny or Die for a few hours, so that is something.

New Video

2007-12-10T15:51:00.000-06:00

Back in the summer my friends Lynn, Sam, and Aaron helped me with a video. This is the rough cut. We were going to reshoot the majority of it, but scheduling didnt work out amongst our actors and we missed the sunny days to shoot on. So we ended up with a version none of us are that excited about, but why waste the video?

Enjoy.

The Clean Life

2007-12-09T17:52:00.000-06:00

I am swearing off junk food starting......now. I am going to give up sweets and fast food for at least two months and that includes the holidays. I dont feel good. Simple as that.

I no longer have my gymnast body and the world deserves to have it back.

The bars are going to go broke.

Do I smell?

2007-12-06T10:03:00.000-06:00

So it has been brought to my attention that I have a "scent". At first I thought this might be a slight against my personal hygiene, but considering I take a 75 minute bath in rose petals every morning, I convinced myself otherwise.

Apparently a person named Pam, who shall remain nameless, said that she could smell my scent on a piece of furniture after I was on it. According to WebMD, this is the first stage of lunacy.

Actually, the first sign may be letting me into your house to sit on your furniture. If nothing else, it is bad judgment.

Good news

2007-12-06T09:59:00.000-06:00

My car is now fine. I had it repaired in Arkansas and got a whole bunch of other stuff done to it for $102. That included a transmission flush and fixing a tire that had a nail in it.

If I had had this done in St. Louis, we would be talking around $600. Mechanics are a rip off. You know you have gone to a bad mechanic when he has diamonds in his teeth and his chest hair has been dipped in gold.

My poor car

2007-11-20T12:33:00.000-06:00

As everyone knows, I drive a piece of shit. Not because I have to, just I dont want to pay $500 a month to drive 4 miles to work, nor do I care about image(Arent I so awesome?). However, I may have broken my car this morning going over railroad tracks to get into my work parking lot.

Apparently a truck managed to snag the tracks and pull them up out of the ground. So when I rolled over, albeit slowly, my front tires suddenly plunged after clearing the first track and the solid iron beam smashed into the bottom of my car. Instantly, it sounded like I was driving a motorcycle, since it appears I broke a hole in my exhaust or muffler.

I am hoping that I didnt damage my transmission or something else, because I dont like shopping for cars at all.

And just to let everyone know, no damage befell my sweet body or face. I can hear the sighs of relief now.

So long Bobby...

2007-11-18T13:08:00.000-06:00

I shaved this morning and gave a brief goodbye to Bobby, my beard.

A brief eulogy:

Bobby was three and a half weeks old. He was unmarrried but is survived by three children: two goaties and a soul patch.

He majored in social economics at Purdue University, but dropped out shy of graduation after he became "disillusioned"

He stole my girlfriend from me. I hate him.

Back in the STL

2007-11-14T17:33:00.000-06:00

So I am back from Oneonta, NY and what have I learned?

1) The Old Spanish Tavern is a damn fine bar. Labatt Blue flows like water....alcoholic water.

2) 99% of the population thinks that the world revolves around them, especially when they are in an airport and especially especially when they are on a cell phone even when the stewardess told them to turn it off.

3) The 19 to 25 year old female demographic in Oneonta love goofy guys with big ears and a beard. That's right, I mean me.

Also, as I was flying from Albany to Chicago, I was watching DVD's on my laptop with headphones in. The guy next to me asked if I would either take the headphones out and play it aloud or at least put the closed captioning on. I told him the closed captioning didnt work on my computer. He bought it. Idiot.

The Poop Hotel

2007-11-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

I am in Oneonta, NY to give a technical presentation for my company and we checked into the Clarion this afternoon. Not five minutes after I got my room key, I had to request a new room, because after I walked into the room, I decided it smelled like poop. I looked in the bathroom and someone had clogged it with their feces from what looked like a wild night at Bob Evans and left it. On top of this, housekeeping missed it because apparently, the smell of excrement is easy to miss.

When I got my new room, my towels had weird pink stains on them and the couch in my living room has white stains on it. I am expecting at any minute for a large collection of bacteria to wrestle me to the ground and french kiss me or at least to find a pube in my coffee mug.

GRRRR

2007-11-06T09:30:00.000-06:00

I am in a real bad mood today. I put up with turds that have learned to imitate human beings. They have mortgages, SUV's, and watch Jay Leno. They are convincing. Just like real turds, they are composed of complete waste with nothing of any value on the inside. Also, just like real turds,the fat ones seem to give me the most pain.

Enough frowning. How about some happy news? Right now I have a beard. He is 13 days old and weighs 17 ounces. I have named him Bobby.

Congratulations

2007-11-06T09:23:00.000-06:00

I want to congratulate my friend Aaron Lawson on getting picked for a callback at the Webster Film auditions. I am just asking him to not bother the director to make sure he gets his nude scene in. That guy is all about nude scenes.

Halloween Countdown: The Endgame

2007-10-31T11:14:00.000-05:00

Number Two

Bram Stoker's Dracula

1992, Francis Ford Coppola

I like the tone of this movie and it sticks to the novel, so I appreciate that. However, Keanu Reeves bugs the crap out of me in this one. I would have settled for Dracula killing him in the first ten minutes and then the movie turning into a spring break, losing your virginity comedy. Unfortunately, Bram Stoker didnt have my vision.

Number One

Treehouse of Horror III

This one has it all. Killer Krusty Doll, King Homer(my personal favorite), and Dial Z for Zombies. One of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life, especially the line "Hey, nice shot Carl". Check out Z for Zombies and tell me I'm lying.

That's it. Happy Halloween everyone.

Halloween Countdown Continued Some More

2007-10-30T13:26:00.000-05:00

Number 5

The Scream Trilogy

Any of these are fun and not in the least scary. But if you want hot girls running full steam from a guy with a paper thin motive, these are the movies for you.

Number 4

Young Frankenstein

I like this movie because it has the feel of the old time movies but is actually entertaining. Plus the use of the word "sedagive".

Number 3

Carrie
1976, Brian De Palma

The ending is so messed up. I wished this is how Hope Floats had ended. The worst thing is when I typed "Carrie" into Wikipedia to get this image, the first thing it thought I might be looking for is Carrie Heffernan, wife of Doug Heffernan on the King of Queens. Come on Wikipedia. I already have everything memorized about Carrie Heffernan. Like how she changed her name to Stacy Carosi for one summer so that she could date Zack Morris.

Halloween Countdown Continued

2007-10-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

Number Eight:

It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

This one is always fun. I dont necessarily watch it from start to finish, but it is good to have on and catch five minutes of.

Number Seven:

Treehouse of Horror IV, The Simpsons

Very funny stuff. The Simpsons always do a good job with the Halloweenery and anytime you can mix vampires and a "Super Happy Fun Slide", well, that's just a bonus. This particular episode has Bart on a Bus with a gremlin spoofing William Shatner and John Lithgow from the Twilight Zone show and movie, respectively, as well as Homer and his cursed doughnut, and Mr. Burns as Dracula.

Number Six:

The Shining
1980, Stanley Kubrick

Jack Nicholson. Enough said. Although the original trailer doesnt make it seem like a scary movie at all. Check it out.

Halloween Countdown

2007-10-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

So Halloween is almost here. I love this time of year because there is nice weather and it is the one time of year that I feel like watching crappy, scary movies. However, there are some not so crappy movies that I absolutely love to watch during the week of October 31st.
So leading up to Halloween, i am going to countdown my favorite things to watch during this time. This list is not a "Best Of", simply what I find puts me in the mood for candy-time. Let's start shall we:

Number 10:

Halloween
1978, John Carpenter

Start off strong, that's what I say. This is such a great movie, because it is so simple. Crazy guy, Jamie Lee Curtis, and a conveniently absent police department. This movie was recently remade, but I refuse to see it. Although I wonder how a guy like Michael Myers would fare in the new world of ADT and bear mace. I'm sure he would adjust.

Number 9

The Thing
1982, John Carpenter

Let's go ahead and stick with John Carpenter. If you notice in Halloween, the young boy being babysat is watching the original "Thing From Outer Space". The best part of this movie is Kurt Russell trying to figure out who is an alien.

Love it.

Edumacate Yourself

2007-10-28T13:04:00.000-05:00

I watched a special on PBS' Frontline about the US relations with Iran since 2001. Very enlightening about how the US has operated over the last couple of decades outside of our borders. Regardless of your poliitics, I suggest taking a view and making up your own mind. Here is the link: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/showdown/

Audition Madness

2007-10-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

Saturday, I went on the audition for student films at Webster University and it couldnt have gone better. I went in and read a two person scene with my friend Aaron Lawson, which made all the difference. He is such a good actor and willing to bring a lot of energy to the audition and just have fun. Also, we had a really good director running the audition and he had a lot of fun giving us different angles to read the script. I dont want to jinx anything, but the audition went so well, that I expect to be crazy famous in about three weeks. At which point I plan on making a string of romantic comedies with Kate Hudson, because that is what we in the business call a career jet-pack.

After the audition, I saw the movie "Gone, Baby Gone". Very good movie and I must say that both Afflecks did a great job on this one.

What am I doing?

2007-10-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

So I am having trouble following through with anything these days. Short films, animations, etc. I cant seem to get motivated to do anything for more than two weeks at a time. That's great for smoking ham, but not for filmmaking. Somehow Spielberg does both. That guy.

That's why I am trying to get back into acting. That way I have to work on someone's schedule and work, work, work. Hopefully, that will set me straight. I have at least a dozen ideas that I want to produce, but they can be so demanding of your time.

Thanks to my friends, Peter, Sam and Janine, we were able to get an improv scene transferred from the stage to the screen. Below is the YouTube.

I should give a solo credit to my chin in that video. It takes up 63% of my face. I measured. I wish I was at least able to use it for storage. That's where I would put my spare bacon.

So auditions for student films are Saturday. This should put me on my path to being the next Haley Joel Osmont.